My reality

Yoga pants.
They are really comfortable. I have read many an argument on fb about why women should not wear them out in public. I get it, well part of it. I get that they show every nook and cranny on a woman's lower half, or lack there of for some lucky gals. I wear them. I wear them proudly, even with my panty lines showing. I'm sorry if this is offensive. Clearly, I am not the only one though. I see many others in "my club". It's ok. On the scale of life, it's not horrible and I'd rather be ok with accepting myself as I am, than feel like I am not perfect enough or I am too much of something else.

Marriage is.               
I left a lot of room after that one on purpose. On a daily basis, I could find so many words could fill in that blank.

Silence really is golden.
I have learned over the years what being an introvert means, and that I am one. I have learned that I get over stimulated sometimes rather quickly. In my younger days, I could sure handle a lot more. I could lead groups, meetings, retreats and have a lot going on around me. Then I had a beautiful and miraculous baby girl. When people tell you, "everything changes after the baby comes", they are freakin right! For me, the hardest change beside lack of sleep has been the physiological changes. Specifically thyroid and hormonal issues for this momma. It has really changed me as a person and what I can handle. For example, I was completely anxious watching a recent movie about some HUGE dinosaurs. I know intellectually that it was computer generated and that dinosaurs aren't real anymore, but this movie stirred me beyond uncomfortable. My poor husband's hand was my grip to reality in a very real way as I didn't let go until the end. I think I have always been an introvert, I just didn't realize it was okay to be. Today I can honor that part of me by seeking silence, seeking alone time that truly fills me up. I am headed to a women's retreat in the near future . . . first time away from hubbs and my kiddo. OMGod in Heaven, thank you for providing it and I'm sorry I took so long to commit!

#roughmommymoment
Yes. I had a grand one today. My brave girl asked the cashier at a local grocery store for a balloon. She was given a beautiful red helium balloon which she so carefully carried to the car. We jetted across the parking lot to another store and left said balloon in the car. Upon returning and getting into the car, the balloon fiercely flew out of the open door. Whaling, stomping and screaming ensued. There was no way to comfort my kiddo, her heart was broken. No problem I thought, we'll just go the the dollar store in the plaza and buy a shiny foil balloon. It was a crown and said "PRINCESS" on it, shiny with pink letters. Happiness was restored and she again carried it so carefully to the car. As I went to take the balloon from her while she climbed up into the car . . . IT POPPED. I have no idea why, except that forces greater than us did not want her to have a balloon today. If you can only image this second heart brake and the sounds and sobbs it brought out. I remember thinking as time stopped for a brief moment - I could go in and buy another one. I could just do it. Somehow, my hard day got very real and I decided not to do it. I'll skip my reasons why and just leave it that we drove home with the popped balloon. Many "good" mothers out there probably would have just gone to get another one to satisfy the poor kid who lost two balloons in less than an hour. I didn't and I am okay with that choice - apparently so is she! Is being a good mom always making sure your kid is happy? (a rhetorical question).

Dinner every day?
I should be finishing tax stuff  but I'd rather be getting out what is in my thoughts. Except dinner. That is always in my thoughts. I am tired and uninspired about dinner(s) these days. I'll spare the boring reasons that lead me to this but anyone who has a five year old probably gets part of those reasons. chicken nuggets, hot dogs, peanut butter & jelly   Tonight I will grill some steak - of which neither my hubbs or kiddo will partake because of their dislike - green beans and baked potatoes. Since I just did groceries, there is plenty of "other" food they can have as I savor my medium rare steak! Bon Appetit!

Remote Control Toilets and God

Being a momma to my daughter is like a Mad-Lib page some days. Situations may be the same, just change a few of the details or throw in some different adjectives or silent explatives. Basically it is about me giving up my will or guiding her to it. My "beyond the hilltop"-ism for this is that I am glad to be where I am in life for most of the giving up of my will moments. Had these happened to me in my twenties, I'll bet I would have fought harder and forced my will a lot more. I think it takes a certain level of maturity to know when to stop fighting, forcing, or just plain willing something. "How important is it" plays through my mind a lot some days. How important is it that she is wearing flowered shorts with a patterned top - the colors match alright. How important is it that she has shorts on with knee high socks and black dress shoes- she picked them out herself and she is amazingly proud. How important is it that she has every stuffed animal she owns on the couch tucked into bed - they will get put away at some point. It is important for me that she knows it's okay to express herself in different ways. It is important that she know that I love her beyond words even when I am frustrated or grumpy. It is important that she know that MY way is not the only way, she has ways too.

I'm just gonna throw this out there . . . it is also important that my kiddo get over her fear of automatic flushing toilets (a.k.a. remote control toilets in kid language). The scare her. They really scare her. I think one time when my parents took her to the store without me and she had to go potty. M,y mom cheerfully sat her on the seat, she did her business, and the flush happened while she was relatively still close to the seat. It appears she will be forever scarred and scared. Believe me, I have tried everything I know to do to try to relieve this fear of hers. N.o.t.h.i.n.g. has done the trick. I may have even told her this week that soon, all toilets will be that way so she will have to get over it at some point. Great mom moment!

I have learned so much of my mommy-ness from so many amazing women. I have been part of a few different groups for moms and while I am not currently part of one, I am close friends with a few women I met there. I am most grateful for the realism that I have found. Women with cracked heels, un-manicured hands, ponytails, cars full of kid stuff, texts unanswered for a few hours or days. This reality may not happen every day for these women I hold dear, I think some days we may get some good self care done but not every day. I used to think how fun it would be to have kids, to look great and feel great and just be great. My definition of "great" as evolved. I no longer think it as being dressed to the nines, hair done, makeup on, nails done, kids who are clean, neat looking and quiet and all my ducks in a row so to speak. Great, today, is more about being happy, joyful and simple. May I repeat, how important is it?

God. May different images come to mind at that name. There is freedom for me at this age to look at something, really look at something. Understand it, know it, and cherish it. I believe God is, always has been and forever will be. I am trying to understand Him, to know Him and to cherish Him. There is movement happening with the God I have always known and it is darn uncomfortable. It is also timely and right. Uncomfortable because it's change. Timely because I am trying to teach my daughter about our Creator but I don't want to pass on to her my understanding of Him. So, I am seeking. Big Time. I am learning, struggling, letting go and becoming open. I feel the change, and have had some great moments sharing Him with my daughter. Her faith is so pure and loving at this young age, I am learning from her as well.

I will continue to pray that we can find non remote control toilets when we are away from home. I will continue to pray in thanksgiving for all of my momma-friends who help me daily without knowing it.

I just want to talk to a real person!

At this moment, I have 3 kiddos ages 5 and under playing in my living room, my phone is on speaker while dealing with an automated phone service and I am thinking to myself, "I cannot be the only human mother who is stressed out in this situation!" I also wanted to yell this, and may or may not have literally yelled this into the phone while dealing with an automated service before, "I JUST WANT TO TALK TO A REAL PERSON!". I am a business person, a small business owner. I am sure these big businesses see valid reasons to have said automated phone services, and I am even sure that at times it has made my life a teensy bit easier to just use them. However, I cannot help but imagine older folks who may not have all their wits about them, or may need more assistance and having to deal with these automated systems. It's frustrating enough for me - a middle aged momma with most of her smarts left after birthing a baby who has to multi task to get anything done with tiny kids around. Perhaps there could be an option for those who love to use these systems to press 1, and those who want to speak to a human person, press 2. Brilliant! I think so. But wait, it probably costs huge amounts of money to actually employ humans verses a computer.

Most of the time I love to talk to real people, most of the time. Not necessarily when I have to call a government agency or a state office. God bless those workers, that's all I'll say. I love calling the company who hosts my website. I almost want to call them now just to have some type of phone conversation redemption to my previous experience with the automated woman who didn't ask about my day, didn't seem friendly, and certainly didn't thank me for my business. I personally enjoy connecting with others, even if it's just for a moment on the phone - it helps me remember that on the grand scale of life, we are all working in some fashion, we are all human beings who put our pants on one leg at a time, and who need each other. 

In closing, I will say that I am grateful that my morning phone call was fruitful - even though while the kids were playing loudly in the background, and I was distracted and perhaps a little anxious about this call, that instead of pushing the # key after entering information, I hit the END CALL button. I have no idea why, except that I'll plead momentary insanity. Moms get it. 

Now, I'll go change a diaper, guide the kids to getting dressed and regain some sanity as I pray for grace to complete the tasks of this day with gratitude and joy. 

Peace out.

Life Lenses

I have worn glasses since I was 13. That was monumental for me, and I thought my life was over. I can still hear my older sister repeating a mantra from when she had to get the dreaded glasses also, "guys never make passes at girls who wear glasses". Well, there you go. Back then, the litmus test for being worth something was whether or not a guy found you (us) attractive, and that was dependent on whether or not you (we) wore glasses. Geez! Trust me, there is plenty more on that topic in post yet to be written.

Moving on. I'm not sure if my mom experienced any sort of emotion around me getting glasses. Mom was emotional about a lot but I have a feeling the glasses didn't rank high on that scale, other than money was tight and it was an expense. They are still an expense today, even for a 5 year old's need to have them. I give thanks to the God of my understanding that we have pretty good insurance that helped ease that burden. Truth be told, I had a great deal of emotion around my own daughter getting her first pair of glasses. I had lots of thoughts too - It must be some weird veggie that I didn't eat when I was pregnant that she must have needed for perfect eyesight - She will most likely need these for the rest.of.her.life - Another thing I have to/get to keep track of - The many future fingerprints on the lenses are going to drive me bonkers - I hope with all my heart that she never gets teased or ridiculed for wearing them - I'm super glad I talked her out of the red frames she wanted, she wears a lot of pink clothes. As for the emotion, it was mostly about this monumental change in both of our lives. MY baby is less of a baby today, and SHE has greater needs to be able to see so much more in life to do what God has planned for her. Her first comment to me while wearing them was "wow momma, the trees are so much bigger". I think she meant clearer but from a five year old's perspective, I think she was spot on.

Something else I noticed today, through the lens of mommahood with a five year old, is that her cute, adorable and sometimes hard to understand language is evolving. She said a word today that I barely recognized because her "r" sound was perfect. No more "w" sound. My heart cried a tear. How in the world? Well, it's no wonder, she talks all the time and you know what they say about practice. Really though, this kid has never stopped amazing me. I sound just like every other gushy momma out there and I'm proud of it. Her skills have grown so much in preschool this year and I couldn't be more grateful. Even though part of me (a large part) is sad by how quickly things are/she is changing, I am humbled, thankful and amazed. It is God's plan for her, and it is all good. The size of this girl's feet alone tell me that she is a big little girl and remind me of how tiny she once was. 

My heart sings with love for her. 

Even in those moments when the calm me disappears and the frantic clean up momma comes.

Even when I want her to just.get.in.the.bathtub. but she wants to streak around the house while singing.

Even through the exhaustion of my day when she snuggles up to me for prayers, stories, and giggles.

All the time. 

TYG (Thank you God)