Being a momma to my daughter is like a Mad-Lib page some days. Situations may be the same, just change a few of the details or throw in some different adjectives or silent explatives. Basically it is about me giving up my will or guiding her to it. My "beyond the hilltop"-ism for this is that I am glad to be where I am in life for most of the giving up of my will moments. Had these happened to me in my twenties, I'll bet I would have fought harder and forced my will a lot more. I think it takes a certain level of maturity to know when to stop fighting, forcing, or just plain willing something. "How important is it" plays through my mind a lot some days. How important is it that she is wearing flowered shorts with a patterned top - the colors match alright. How important is it that she has shorts on with knee high socks and black dress shoes- she picked them out herself and she is amazingly proud. How important is it that she has every stuffed animal she owns on the couch tucked into bed - they will get put away at some point. It is important for me that she knows it's okay to express herself in different ways. It is important that she know that I love her beyond words even when I am frustrated or grumpy. It is important that she know that MY way is not the only way, she has ways too.
I'm just gonna throw this out there . . . it is also important that my kiddo get over her fear of automatic flushing toilets (a.k.a. remote control toilets in kid language). The scare her. They really scare her. I think one time when my parents took her to the store without me and she had to go potty. M,y mom cheerfully sat her on the seat, she did her business, and the flush happened while she was relatively still close to the seat. It appears she will be forever scarred and scared. Believe me, I have tried everything I know to do to try to relieve this fear of hers. N.o.t.h.i.n.g. has done the trick. I may have even told her this week that soon, all toilets will be that way so she will have to get over it at some point. Great mom moment!
I have learned so much of my mommy-ness from so many amazing women. I have been part of a few different groups for moms and while I am not currently part of one, I am close friends with a few women I met there. I am most grateful for the realism that I have found. Women with cracked heels, un-manicured hands, ponytails, cars full of kid stuff, texts unanswered for a few hours or days. This reality may not happen every day for these women I hold dear, I think some days we may get some good self care done but not every day. I used to think how fun it would be to have kids, to look great and feel great and just be great. My definition of "great" as evolved. I no longer think it as being dressed to the nines, hair done, makeup on, nails done, kids who are clean, neat looking and quiet and all my ducks in a row so to speak. Great, today, is more about being happy, joyful and simple. May I repeat, how important is it?
God. May different images come to mind at that name. There is freedom for me at this age to look at something, really look at something. Understand it, know it, and cherish it. I believe God is, always has been and forever will be. I am trying to understand Him, to know Him and to cherish Him. There is movement happening with the God I have always known and it is darn uncomfortable. It is also timely and right. Uncomfortable because it's change. Timely because I am trying to teach my daughter about our Creator but I don't want to pass on to her my understanding of Him. So, I am seeking. Big Time. I am learning, struggling, letting go and becoming open. I feel the change, and have had some great moments sharing Him with my daughter. Her faith is so pure and loving at this young age, I am learning from her as well.
I will continue to pray that we can find non remote control toilets when we are away from home. I will continue to pray in thanksgiving for all of my momma-friends who help me daily without knowing it.
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