The gap.

Not the store, though I'm not gonna lie. I instantly saw their emblem in my mind's eye.

I apologize, to myself. I feel more alive this moment as I write, than I have in a loooooooong while.

I blinked a few times.

Years have gone by. Two and a half approximately.

Back surgery. Nov 1016

Mom's heart surgery. April 2017

Substitute teaching. 2018/2019

Transformed faith. Continuous.

Our most incredible family trip over Spring Break 2019.

Career switch. Summer 2019

40 lbs down! Entering 2020

I left out the gory sub-titles such as: space invaders, deepest low, turning 46, traumatic loss, and countless more. 

This morning. It is freezing here in the desert, at 36 degrees F. The high is only 63 today. My sisters both laugh out loud when I complain about being "cold". They know it well, comparatively as they live in the Midwest. I miss them terribly. I have a Hallmark movie on in the background, our space heater is rolling through it's fireplace lights for ambiance and I feel the gentle, yet warm, breeze as it clicks on.  I have furry blankets on my lap to lock in the warmth since I sent my two annoyingly adorable dogs back to their kennel after some lengthy snuggles already. The sun is coming up, and I hear my daughter bound out of bed to come downstairs. She wakes with such energy.

My daughter. My heart aches with love for her, such love these days. Our life is challenging with my recent career switch back to teaching. Yes, I know, I liken it to running back into a burning building. You're not supposed to do that. I did it. God is with me, I know it without a doubt. But, I want OUT. More than you can even imagine,  It's not just that our state's education system is rotten, there is so much more to it. I feel an insurmountable desire to homeschool and pour into my kiddo and into our family. That desire has been there, many times in the past. I pushed it away for "reasonable" reasons, repeatedly. Maybe that's why God has brought me to where I am currently, because I needed to see it, to really SEE it by my experience. How timely, that I am reading about the Israelite's in the bible this week. God is funny!

Our two week break is over super soon. Like tomorrow. We go back to the grind on Monday. I am having anxiety, needless to say. I am so grateful to have had this break to make so many great memories in our family. We made some sugar and gingerbread cookies, from one of my favorite grain free cookbook authors, and they were actually scrumptious! Frosting them was a hoot! We visited a number of Christmas-y light displays and events, rode the Polar Express and almost got snowed in at our hotel. We made new ornaments for next year, spent time with family, watched movies and talked. Talking. Because of our adult work schedules, we don't see each other much so for all of us to be off for a few weeks provided many an opportunity to talk. It was really great.

Now, all of the holiday decor is put away. Well, except for the one lamp I see sitting in its box on the floor just feet away from me. Darn it. I wish I was feeling joy about this lump of hours ahead of me and excitement about returning to my routines next week. #adultingisreal #iwillpraiseHimineverything

Non-Titled

Welcome to today.

I hope that it holds good things for you.

I am sort of at a loss for writing today but felt "the nudge" to just get on with it. I know enough to follow that nudge when it comes. As you read previously, I waited eleven months to write my last post and now it has been almost FIVE more months to this one. I wish I could say I have been in a cocoon and have emerged as a stunning butterfly. . . but as it happens, I'm still a strung-out full time working momma who is currently in yoga pants, a tank top with messy hair and appears to have no eyelashes and only 3/4 of eyebrows. Wait. Not really, I just didn't put on mascara or brow pencil. Yay for thyroid sickness and running late this morning! (sarcasm inserted)

So, what have the last FIVE months held? Well, my sweet little girl started first grade. My life has changed in ways I never could have planned for. Those of you with more than one kid can giggle and shake your head at me all you want, I am sure it is levels more crazy for you with multiples. My situation is unique for reasons I will spare you, and I will own that I don't have perfect balance anywhere in my life at this point. Some things have come into focus for me in amazing ways and so I'll share FIVE of those with you in honor of my months' delay in posting.

Numero 1. Belief and faith are two very different words. I have been a student lately of my God showing me this. Many may already have figured this out, I am taking things in stride. Faith for me is the active part of my belief. Faith is following the promptings even when they don't make sense to me (such as writing this with no careful and thought out plan ahead of time). It is volunteering to lead a Life Group at church when I have not attended one yet because I felt the nudge. It is reaching out to a friend who is also still grieving because I am having a shit day and she turns out to be also. It is consciously lifting up specific people in my prayers to the loving hands of Jesus, who knows all they need. It is deciding to pray steadfastly for something I see my child struggling with at a young age and watching God work in wondrous ways. 

Numero 2. Things get easier with practice. This happens whether we are learning a new instrument, speaking a new language, or doing things to take care of ourselves. Blah Blah, you have heard the saying about putting on our own "oxygen mask" before helping someone with theirs. Perhaps this is why God has allowed my back to need so much tlc lately. It is helping me make time for myself, which, trust me, is super important for this introvert. I am also reading more, getting back to this creative element for me with blogging, pedicures happen at least once a month and I am even fasting with intent for my health! Now, if this angry muscle in my arse would kindly work with me as we stretch so as to un-pin my sciatic nerve, I would kindly appreciate it. I will need to be practicing a lot of self-care, budgeting and timing to begin Pilates in the relatively near future I hear this does wonders for low back issues.

Numero 3. Time is precious. With the advent of my daughter starting first grade I had a few days of sadness over her changing and growing so quickly. I still long to have another baby to hold but that isn't possible these days. It all seemed to have happened so quickly with my sweet girl, it feels like yesterday when I wanted to puke up my guts hourly but was so in love at the same time. She has been asking a lot of questions about when she was in my tummy, when she was born and how we chose her name. My dear husband found the video camera and cards and hooked it up so we could watch all of those happenings. I have cried a bit each day over those memories - tears of gratitude, sadness and deep love. 

I also have had almost two handfuls of dear friends lose a loved one in the last year or so. I am so grateful to those incredible individuals who gave of themselves to me in my grief, that I have been able to give to others in theirs.

Numero 4. I'd rather be in a process than on a journey. You know the saying that "life is not a destination it is a journey" . . . the image that comes to mind of me on my journey to date isn't a pretty one. It is me in a dry wasteland with cracked dirt on the ground and no water in sight. Nothing super metaphorical there, just that the novelty of the fun part of the journey wore off a LONG time ago. To be in a process sounds much more something I'd like to partake in. Possibly because one process may end and others will begin but it won't be one long freakin process, which is how I think of a journey.

The Pause

It has been almost 11 months since I last posted.
That's a long pause.
I have missed being here.
I have missed this connection.

Perspective.
I have gained a lot of that in this lengthy pause.
I have also gained faith, assurance, true friendship, love, strong bonds, an immeasurable loss, breathtaking shock, and sadness.
A lot of sadness.
A lot of joy.

This is a picture of my only brother Steve.
My parents, my sisters and I lost him in April 2016. Just two weeks after my last post.
I had no idea.
No idea that it would happen or how it would change my life.

There is a lot to be said for great loss. I think there is even more to be said for a traumatic great loss that had no warning. When my maternal grandmother passed away in the early 90's, I had warning. I had time to say goodbye, time to prepare. I also had the experience of being with her for the last breath. That was a beautiful experience though still saddening.
This time, there was no preparation, no warning or thought about it.
It just happened one night.

Here is what I have come away with up to today - tomorrow may bring something entirely different:
grief is individual
grief is not to be accomplished but journeyed
he was a good man
he loved deeply and was loved deeply
more was learned about him after than I knew about him during
God is faithful, loving and merciful
heaven is real
friends are human
my loss is also about what I had hoped for
it is okay to be outside the box, my God is not bound by the box
I am a changed person in so many ways by my grief, in response to my grief, and it is good

Hug your loved ones a little closer today.
Be well.

Blog Challenge #5 - Five Places I Want To Visit

This was a fun post to think about, and I promise to keep it short.

BTW, these places are not in any particular order of importance. 

Wait, number one is the most important - but only if my two sisters can come with me.

1a. Need I say more? 

If only it were real. 

1b. Alaska. I'd love to meet the Kilcher family and see their homestead in person.

 Then, I'd like to travel and see some city life and country living there. 

This might be impossible in my lifetime though, I will NOT fly in small planes. . .

2. Yep! DISNEYLAND.

I have not been in over 20 years, 

and my daughter is the perfect age to experience it for the first time. 

The hubbs isn't so keen on this one . . . 

if we end up moving to the East Coast, maybe Disneyworld will be our option. 

3. The Caribbean. I had no idea how to spell that. 

Thank goodness for Google! I would have put two "r's" but that's just me. 

Anywho - someday babeyyy!

4. Guess Where? 

NYC!! I have never been to the city. 

 I know I flew into it when I was catching a connecting flight on my way to France 

but I didn't step out of the hotel. 

5. Seriously! I have some questions for God and I want to see my grandparents and my pets again, 

and to meet the brother or sister I never met, Erin. 

I can't ignore just a few more places I'd like to visit . . . 

the inside of a fancy shmancy hotel room for an entire week

inside my hubbs head sometimes

my daughters preschool classroom during class time

first class seating on a plane

Yellowstone

a small town fourth of July celebration

the Tonight Show show with Jimmy Fallon

the Dancing with the Stars show

Sweet dreams!

Blog Challenge #4 - The Meaning Behind My Blog Name

Do you love the meaning of things as much as I do?
Well, my twitter handle is @overfourtytwo. Yes, I have reached the "over the hill" status. I had another blog going a while back but I lost direction quickly and my life was a bit too full, rather I didn't realize my need for writing at that point. I realize it now and not just for the silly number of words that I as a woman need to express on a daily basis. More so, because I am finally acknowledging the creative parts of myself in my gardening, my work as a hairdresser and in writing.

I felt the nudge for this writing project a while back, but it took me some time to get it up and running and to design the main image. The title came to me in prayer one day, because as I work my twelve step program for having been affected by someone else's drinking, I often look back at my progress with a large amount of gratitude. The same has been true since I turned the big 4-0. Around the time of turning fourty, I realized many monumental things for me, here are just a few:

I no longer felt the pain of NEEDING to be a one digit size in my clothing

The journey isn't so much about striving to be what I see in others, but rather to find out who I am

Embracing my introvert-ness is very freeing - gone are the days of feeling like a social failure

Doing something that I don't love for a short while will not kill me, it may even help me grow

It's ok to grieve the dreams of what I thought I'd have & want but don't

The God of my understanding may not be the God who is, was and ever shall be

It's great to look in the past to learn and to acknowledge the growth, but it is becoming exciting for me to look beyond the hilltop to what may lie ahead.
Peace be with you.

Blog Challenge #3 - My Day in Great Detail

Welcome to a day in the life of me. 

Let me start out by saying that I truly ADORE my automatic coffee maker. I am so grateful that it provides me with hot coffee right away. I have not been overly impressed with the other machines out there, you know the trendy one cup at a time coffee makers. This homegirl likes her coffee already brewed so there is the least amount of wait time available. 

So, at 6:23 a.m. when my sweet but wide-awake daughter woke me up, I was happy to know what was waiting for me in the kitchen. I dressed my coffee and got her a drink and we snuggled on the couch watching tv. I love this time. I love that the house is quiet on a Saturday morning, and that we can just enjoy snuggles. 

Breakfast was cereal for the hubbs and my kiddo. I decided to try a new juice recipe. One red beet, one carrot (was rebellious and added 2 carrots), half a lemon and one apple. It was rather tasty, and I really wasn't hungry until lunchtime. Yeehaw!

Today was a work day for me - it's Saturday and a great day for people to get their hair done. I share a chair with another stylist so I only had scheduled clients for the morning. My kiddo went to the babysitter since hubbs had overtime at work today also. I don't like this about Saturdays . . .I miss having a Saturday to do normal family stuff. However, I am grateful for my job and I adore my clients and I am super happy to not be a full time teacher anymore!! 

At work today, my first client is a friend of a friend who is becoming a very precious gift in my life. Years ago after I delivered my baby girl, this person made a meal for my family and I, and she went to great lengths to make sure if was gluten free - super important for me. She does have a very generous spirit, and a great sense of humor, both of which have been like water for a thirsty soul to me. Years ago, she went through something that I am currently going through and she has been sharing that journey with me. Our main conversation today was about personality temperaments. I am definitely choleric/melancholic. I have studied them a little before but her explanations and experiences helped me understand that I was created this way, I certainly wouldn't have chosen to be these temperaments. I have often noted certain characteristics of my personality and have seen how they are not so positive or how I just don't mix well with other people on certain things, or even how other people expect things of me that are just impossible for me (in relation to personality). A light clicked on for me today as I was listening to my friend, and my heart felt a bit lighter. I am humbled and grateful 

Another client today was a young lady that I used to teach. She is in middle school now. Our time in the salon together is never without laughter and her directions. Seriously, she is pretty particular on how and even where she wants a hair cut. Today, it was to even out the back but not to cut the sides because she is growing out the "v" shape in the back. I am told that she only trusts me with her hair because I do what she asks. For me, it's more about her happiness than it is to have to cut off more than she wants just to cut every hair on her head. I have some adults that try to do this too, but I explain why I won't do it for them in most cases. Her momma texted just now that S is soooo happy with her haircut. Success!!

I picked up my girl from the babysitter and got to love on a sweet dog named Bam Bam, an English Bulldog. We don't have a dog right now but my heart aches for one. Maybe soon.

After a quick stop at the grocery store we came home to have lunch and now are relaxing before church tonight, and then a picnic and fireworks to follow. This church is new for me. It's not in the same religion that I was raised, and I am super excited about that. In my seeking and praying, this is where I am led to today. It feels like a blessed day to me - a day where I can almost feel God - a day where His presence is nearer than it has been for a long while - a day where nature is encouraging me. It is cloudy with sunshine, a moderate breeze and temps under 80 degrees. Ahhhhhhh. The firework show is perfect timing for this weather tonight! It sure beats the 112+ temps on the fourth of July. 

Other things I did that fit in my day somehow. . .

waxed my own eyebrows

cleaned a few mounds of dishes from hosting breakfast yesterday for some out of town friends

dried and folded towels and capes for work

called one of my sisters

prayed

talked with the hubbs about details for the possible upcoming move

listened to my girl read me part of Chicka Chicka Boom Boom

daydreamed about the beach

told the hubbs how much I want to take our girl to Disneyland this summer

called the folks

blinked a few times which is all the nap time I will have today.

Farewell until next time.

Blog Challenge #2 - Basically Me.

Does it really matter that I mixed up the topics for day one and two?

 On the scale of things happening in my life, I sure hope not. 

I wonder what types of thing other busy moms mix up - 

perhaps lime, tequila and margarita mix? 

Just kidding. Or am I?

 I do love a good frozen margarita. 

So, this post challenge is to share some basic things about myself. 

For the LOVE, I need a bit more direction than that. 

I could share basic things about foods I like, toenail polish colors I like, things that drive me crazy, parenting stuff, adult child watching parents aging stuff, believe me there are a lot of topics. 

Wait. 

You know that, I am sure you could share a host of things on these and many more topics too. 

I'll find your blogs and will read your delightful words. 

Basically Me. 

I am the youngest of four kids, born in New England and raised in the desert. 

No, not the Middle East. I mean Arizona. 

I have never loved the desert landscape, 

I long for wooded areas, grass, more precipitation and gentle breezes (I could never live in Chicago!). Looking backward to below the hilltop, 

I wish I could have been a stronger and more brave person who would have moved away to gain experiences, life wisdom and just to LIVE. 

Instead, I had a lot of fear and anxiety about people and being away from the family system I knew. 

I often joke that my family was like the mafia. 

Not because of their lifestyle or culture, but more because I felt I couldn't let go or separate from it. 

And yes, when I say "the family" in my head, I say it with Al Pacino's voice. 

I am a wife and mother, 

two things I have wanted since I was a young child 

- minus about 10 years when I was teaching

 that I didn't want my own kids 

because I was so tired of other people's kids

 (not all of them, just a select few). 

My own daughter is five years old this year and 

we are quickly approaching KiNdErGaRtEn next year. 

God has given me a great kid, 

I am humbled a lot by her love for me 

and the simple joy I learn from her.

 Lately, she has been devouring bible stories and prayer during our nighttime routine. PTL!! 

Last year I was part of a MOPS group. 

I highly recommend them. It taught me a lot, and filled my inner cup. 

This was the theme last year but it has been continually coming up for me these days. 

It is a quest of "who am I?". 

Currently, I am questing (even a word?) 

into my faith of God, 

what my needs and wants are, 

what type of friends I want in my life,

 and how does my 12 step program fit in my life 

(I choose recovery from having been affected by someone's drinking).

 There are probably a few more but this tired momma brain isn't coming up with them.

I mentioned teaching, that is in my past though I will always be a teacher at heart,

 and I will ALWAYS 

have a deep love for office supplies and back to school sales! 

To end, I'll leave you with a few of my favorite things these days. . .

coffee

sunrises and sunsets

good photography

when my husband does the dishes

pedicures

while walking, my daughter reaches to hold my hand

Stella Rosa red sparkling wine

sleepytime tea

bikeriding

gardening

crockpots

swimsuit coverups

my chirporactor

my counselor

my sisters

.